This week it was drawn to my attention that my life hasn't taken the shape that young girls expect their 24 year old life to be in. This stemmed from a discussion with my incredibly bright top set students on Tuesday and I've been sort of formulations this blog post ever since.
When I was 13, I vaguely imagined that I would be engaged by now, getting married before I turned 25 and expecting a baby at 26. As I got a bit older, I could imagine it clearly. Aged 16, I knew that I'd be living in a large house with a back garden, a Wendy house for my children, perhaps a dog but certainly smaller animals like rabbits or even, if I was really lucky, chinchillas! I'd have a loving husband. We'd have moved in together post university and everything would have just fallen nicely into place. I even starting bandying around names for my children - although these have subsequently changed! Come 17, I had my first 'proper relationship'. Bloody good it was too. We got on well, we laughed together, had common interests. He challenged me, made me feel worth something. We survived one of the toughest challenges of a young relationship, as we both went through uni and he even lived on a different continent for a while. Life was peachy. My dream was so tangible, I had even, in my head, painted our bedroom in neutral, calming colours and styled it like the sea.
18 flew by. 19. 20, 21, 22, 23... Then crash. Everything changed. Things we t over night from being comfortable and cosy to awkward and just friend like. It was a blow certainly but it was with the best of intentions we parted. Life as I knew it, my imagined, perceived inevitability was gone. Looking back now, a year and a bit past the event, I realise that we needed it. It was a very mutual thing and while we have our differences now, I don't begrudge him his happy new life with someone else... Although a little honesty might have been appreciated. C'est la vie huh?
So here I sit, aged 24 and a half. I'm in the reclining chair, there's a dog by my side and across the room? My mam on the sofa with the other dog. I've never left home s there's that part of the ideal life gone. I can't afford due to recession and uncertain job markets to get myself to a place of my own.its too unstable to make that commitment. At least here I am paying no rent and just contribute towards my food. I'm still in the bedroom that was my nursery although the decor is somewhat changed.
Engaged? Not likely. I made a foray into the world of online dating (perhaps that is a whole other blogpost) and have spoken to several men. Some of them suitable, some not. Some of the. Polite, interesting and down right weird as conversation progressed! Needless to say, this hasn't led to a long term relationship. Perhaps I'm scared of being hurt again? Perhaps I just don't have the confidence to go along with dates. Who knows but there is that part of the dream ripped up and shredded.
Children? Well that comes along with the engagement really. I've always said no children before marriage.
However, despite all of that and the sadness that has come with it, I'm fairly happy with my little life. I've had a series of confidence boosts from a series of lovely people. I'm in a better financial position than a lot of people I know. I still have my family. I've still got 3 living grandparents. I'm alive, I'm breathing and you know what? Perhaps that's all dreams of the future should be? Happy, healthy and not so refined? Life is supposed to be an adventure and nothing ever goes according to plan.
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